(Holding her boobs) to my boyfriend- Does my swimsuit need another stitch?
I can’t find any pretty, feminine clothes. All the clothes in every store were designed by a dike!
Sammy’s here! I have to go talk to Sammy!-She suddenly hangs up the phone. FYI-Sammy is a dog.
We’re not Catholic because our pastors don’t have sex with little boys. They don’t need to because they can get married.
About my ex boyfriend- He is so hot I can’t even walk down the same aisle as him at the grocery store! I can’t even look at him. He’s too hot!
Yes, I was busy. I was busy shopping for bedspreads all day!
I’m running low on my migraine medicine. (as she opens 2 dresser drawers packed full of migraine medicine)
The hamburgers at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway taste like dog food from Big Lots from 10 years ago!
Talking about an older woman with long gray hair- She looks like a witch.
I don’t have time tonight. I have to wash my hair.
How do women shave all of their pubic hair? I get knicked shaving just so I can wear a swimsuit.
To my sister- Is that a tattoo?
1 week later- It is a tattoo!
About my boyfriend's friends matching tattoos- That is gay.
We had a gun range inside our Home Ec class and my brother used to bring his rifle on the bus.
You should get your dad a battery powered hand held vacuum for Father’s Day. I don’t know how much it costs, or if it even exists….
That baby has a big head! It looks like an ugly Walmart baby!
Asking my mom how she likes facebook- It’s better than sitting here talking to myself all day.
Leaving a voicemail to a high school classmate she has not spoken to in 30 years- Hi. Uh, I just wanted to make sure I posted the Harry Baals video right on Facebook. Bye.
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